I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
