Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
