The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
