yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
