I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
