just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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