there's paper in my vomit.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
