woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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