The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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