I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
