I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
