come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm having to shit out rocks
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
