I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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