there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
