Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Someone signed my nipple.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
