You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
