when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
