God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
