so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
