You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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