Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
