I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
