I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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