They should really pass out barf bags in church
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I intend to get homeless drunk
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
