I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
