How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
