He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
