i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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