If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
