Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
