I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
