I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
This house was built for laser tag.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
