Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
