GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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