I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
