If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
