im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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