My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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