If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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