If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
