I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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