i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
