dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
