You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
