Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Randomize
