I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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