508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
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