so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
