Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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