I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
im holly from the hills drunk
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
