As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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