So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
